30/11/2022
Today for our Chill and Chat Wednesday we are throwing it back a lil bit. Taking you back to the COVID times when there was so much uncertainty and fear. This was my own crazy way of coping đ€Ł. I can literally feel the anxiety from how all over the place my thoughts were. Writing is just a good way to cope and wade through tough times. From the looks ofit when I wrote this article house chores were showing me flames. Here goesđ!
Something to laugh about during these trying times. Word of Caution, its long lols.
The Art Of Ukuchaya Impahla
Covid 19 is all we have been hearing about for the past two months. It has brought about sadnessâč, thoughts of despair and fear and in others it reignited their faith in God. It has definitely been a trying time, but for once this post is not about that gloom.
This is the point where the train just leaves the railway line ingene iganga. If you are in Zimbabwe, I am pretty sure you are familiar with everything around you just diverting almost all the time and never following the set route lol. We have seen it all mos, the whole economy ihlanhlatha iganga , never giving us a chance to at least enjoy the fruits of our many years of toiling at schoolđ«. Kodwa ke, angikho lapho namhlanje. As you can see, my brain keeps taking unplanned âshot leftsâ, asazi kumbe itâs a coping mechanism from all thatâs happening. Could it be that this post is another one of my twisted ways of coping with this distressing reality we are faced with? Asazi đ€·But itâs a post nonetheless and its not a serious one, âits not that deepâ as some say in sosho đ (social media).
The lockdown made me revert to full time house wifing, something I last did about eight years ago. Yes! I am that girl and I am not ashamed of it. Now get it right, I am not talking about that house wifing where the helper has gone away for the weekend or for the December holidays. Neither am I talking about the house wifing where you have siblings around to assist you with the chores, nope leyo layo kayitshayi. I am talking about the full bouquet mntase, the whole shebang! The real makoya full house wifing where everything rises and falls squarely on you lidashipu. (if you donât get this, itâs okay... its not that deep). However this is not a post about me justifying why I havenât âhouse-wifedâ in such a long time, ill let you jump into your own conclusion in that matter madam gazelle kk. Anyway back to why am here (eish the diverting is real mos, do you blame me thougđ€Łđ€Ł), the art of ukuchaya!
So with the lockdown happening, it was prudent to let my stay-in helper go back to her home , to check on her family. Consequently, that left âyours trulyâ facing the music. It wasnât that difficult to be honest, I jumped right into it and adjusted like it was my second nature, yep thatâs me! okay fine, I am lyingđ. BAFETHU!!! Uyayazi I fulltime work with no pay, sowake watshaya iztina my guy?. Kuyahanjwa Joe. My body went into shock and I developed boils (dedesaring much) Ngapha I house work layo lokhe isithi âYesi Dali!đâ , this was coupled with two noisy , cartoon loving little human beings whose main activity of the day is eating every hour on the hour njenge news ze radio(I wouldnât trade them for anything though). Even my twenty-three years of wifely grooming never prepared me for this lolest. Hawu phela thina girls we are prepared from the day we are born to wife. From the day we are born sesithontiselwa uchago in unsaid places so that singabi yizeqamgwaqo (faithful wife)! Even the day you learn how to sit usuhlanganiswa inyawo ukuze ufunde ukuhlala kahle, ungatshonisi ilanga (decent wife), should I go deeperđđđđ. Okay tbh I am not sure about the latter (eyokuhlaganisa inyawo) I think itâs just my imagination doing a high jump, I doubt itâs even legal to do that to an infant hahahaha.
So anyway, after my helperâs departure, without much of a choice I had to find myself adjusting quickly, planning and mentally developing clear routines and feeding timetables right up to the number of snacks per day. In the midst of all that I noticed a very interesting development, I have changed! This girl has changed, isnât that amazing! So here is the change, I now enjoy doing the laundry more than ironing (Ta daaaa). Quite an interesting turn of events because I have always preferred ironing to doing the laundry. Vele vele eqinisweni, there is two types of women, iteam yewashen le team yoku ayina. Very rarely do you find people that fit into both categories and enjoy both activities with an equal amount of vigor and intensity. If you happen to be that girl that belongs to that 1% very rare, very canât get canât thola group, Eish ngiyakuhlonipha girl, isicoco kuwe, you deserve a mbongi eyabe ikuhaya usiya Chaya! Wena we washen, wena we steam iron le ironing board! Ama gwebu lama pegs kuwe girlz!, All hail your washen and ironingness! Makhosi! đ·đ·
Anyway now that I have rendered honour and respect to where is it due am going back to isiqokoqela sendaba. So, my new found love may have been motivated by a number of factors. I strongly believe that the water shedding program played a major role in this change. The 96 hour (or is it 108hour), water shedding program means we only get water on select days of the week. This means all the other days we have to survive on water stored in containers. Laundry experts know very well that doing laundry before water comes back is tantamount to a su***de mission. Unless you have a borehole in your backyard as a fall back plan, kuyabe sokuphelile ngawe. (Ndiwe uyo ! to the sbhorane). Secondly, this change could have been motivated by my over active medulla oblangata đ I believe my brain kind of readjusted and recategorised laundry as a non-negotiable chore. You know there are those chores that you can conveniently forget, meander around or postpone. I am guessing my brain just said âlaundry bruh, lawe uyabona isimo sibi đ€, woza ngapha!â so yah, there followed my loyal body. (I am however glad my body doesnât always follow what my brain thinks ngoba yey, as you can see , panebasa apa, asante sana, goodnight).
My new found love for doing laundry obviously meant my ex love (ironing) had to go. Sad moment because I enjoyed ironing. I am not a âpet peaveyâ kind of person (as evidenced by my horrible punctuation and spell checking), however when it comes to ironing I have a clear protocol (ahem, fall in love with gugul). Let me indulge you and give you a small example, if itâs a shirt you have to start with the back and then you glide to the shoulders so that you resist the temptation of putting a mqolo on the shoulders when you get to the point of ironing the sleeve. I break into hives when I see a shirt shoulder with a mqolođŹ (as you can see my body has makhiwa tendencies with these boils & hives). Here is a crazy fact though, I hate ironing boards. I just canât seem to function properly when using an ironing board. I am that girl who takes that old bhayana from nineteen ntolo ntolo , fold it into a square (for that stifi stifi effect) , then top up the master piece with a Zambia. I then sit flat on my blessed behind and attack the washen k*k. (lokshin culture). Are you seriously still reading this piece đđđ, lalela you are my kin, me and you twogera, we have âlerato la dinthoâ va!
Angilahlekanga, shot lefts are good for the soul. So doing laundry meant that I have to go and yanika (did I get that rightđ€?, I hope so). I am that girl who does the laundry indoors and wears the sunhat when going to hang it. Why? I said it earlier waniđ€·ââïž makhiwa tendencies, heat rash things yada yada , into ezinjalođ.
So just like my mama taught me, there is an art to ukuchaya. You donât just get there and start with isokisi, then I tshirt and then I bhurugwe ubusufaka i undy. Akuqalwa! that is a crime tantamount to high treason, punishable by death. Okay death is rather grotesque (ngithe dlala no Gugul) . But still bafethu, come on! At least respect your clothes enough to Chaya them in a respectable order.đ€·ââïž
So, this is where the creativity is revealed, its an art lento ungayideleli. Make no mistake, the art doesnât start on the washing line susiya Chaya , no ! the art starts right at the beginning , when you sort the laundry, where you separate the whites from the colours, the shirts from the Tshirts, the denims from the trousers and you tie the matching socks together (only gurus will grasp the significance of this one). The moment you fail this bit, sudlise iteam, bhora musango, vele sokuyi mvengemvenge, ingxabangxozađ€Šââïž It follows therefore that if you start the process right you are well on your way to making a master piece. I said well on your way, I didnât say uyabe suyisikhokho, beka iphapho phansđ. So after sorting obviously iskill sokutshuka is of paramount importance (ereng gugul mo ngwaneng?), I will not delve into that bit except to advise that if your hands have makhiwa tendencies , mmmh kubi, sorry kuwena lovie. At this point you have to summon your inner lokshin Lorraine to come and do the things that made the pots to happen.
After washing, sorting is still important. Obviously rinsing twice or even thrice is imperative arawise nxa lowo mqondo wokuhlambulula ungakufikeli naturally, just stay away from the whole process, I repeat stay away! you are a disgrace to the art of I washen! Right! your sorting prowess should come to the fore after rinsing, what goes into the bucket or dish (which ever you are using) first will ultimately be the last on the line, so order comrade and withdraw delela at that point. A qualification in strategic management will help you determine whether you apply a defensive, offensive, flanking or guerilla strategy. Obviously, we will not waste time explaining such simple strategies. Personally, I first make sure the whites are in their own bucket to avoid staining and even in there, they are sorted in order of size. Also, there should be a bucket for your denims, we love those bafethu but they are a horror in the laundry room, they shouldnât mix with any other colour. (For the same reason the whites are separated, duhđ). Sorting the rest of the clothes should be a breeze, common sense will detect that you sort according to type as well as size, (shirts, dresses, trousers, tshirts) but ke if you are OCD singakuthini, you can sort by colour or alphabetical order dali, kukuwe, the football is in your courtđ. Now comes the main event, the revelation of your creativity or the lack thereof - the washing line. This is the point where history is made, where we create the master piece. At this point it should be easy peasy lemon squeezy (like my daughter would say), hang them mntakababa, show them what you are made of. Like Michelangelo sculpt your artwork, weave that symphony as if you are Mozart, this is what you have been working on all along, skaba Hemisa, Skaba fa chance!! Chaya!! â
Sidenote however, how you apply your pegsing skills is a huge part of the whole art. If after washing your clothes with so much love and attention to detail, you then get to the washing line and peg shirts by the starched collars (creating indlebe, an ironing nightmaređ€Šââïž) or T-shirts by their ends or the shoulders (resulting in impondo on the shoulders or that hideous assymetry), eish I only have a few words for you. You are a conflicted being, you have issues and you need therapy. đ€Ż
If you have observed all the nuances of this art then I guess itâs time to take a few steps back and look at the work of art you have created. You my sister, you my brother are a CHAMPION! You have mastered the art of UKUCHAYA!! (bam bam baaaađșđșđ„đčâŠstanding ovation đđ)
The End
Written by Ntombie Buhlungu
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The Art Of Ukuchaya Impahla Covid 19 is all we have been hearing about for the past two months. It has brought about sadness âč , thought...